My Life Now (Part One)

Well, my life now is not at all like my "previous existence". I actually went straight from being a drug addict to being a full time single mother. I had not choice in the matter, having my son removed from me at birth is what prompted me to finally get it together. I wasn't about to do it other wise.

Now it is a daily struggle to figure out how I can possibly find some purpose on the earth..and gain some useful skills that will allow me to integrate back into normal society. Not that you would know about my past by looking at me, but it's there, just under the surface.

I also have hep c..which is now affecting my liver. Never before, while I was using, and so close to death did I question my own mortality. I really didn't care. But now I have to. All my old friends have lived their lives "properly" and I am left to catch up. And sure, I am not HIV positive, which is something to be thankful for, but still my carelessness has left me affected emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

I am sharing this because it needs to be understood that all my problems did not go away because I stopped using, and stopped living on the street. In fact I may have MORE problems now. Before it was just making sure I had my dope, making sure I didn't get my ass kicked, or making sure I had a place to sleep - whenever I actually wanted to sleep. But now, I have a lot more problems, different problems, but I am able to deal with them, have the necessary coping skills to do so. Well, I don't want to say I have all the skills to cope, I never actually went to treatment unfortunately, since I had to just get clean, to get my son back, the everything happened so quickly..and here I am. if I knew then what I know now, I would have gone to treatment.

It has been almost 3 years...and still feel parts of my soul missing. Slowly they are coming back, but I am not the same person I used to be. I find it difficult to connect to people now, whereas before I made friends very easily. My self confidence and esteem has taken a beating. I used to be a very creative person, and I feel that is missing now too. This is why treatment is very beneficial I think. You get to focus on healing and getting to love and know yourself again. I didn't have the option for treatment, so I am doing this the hard way.

This just a taste of where my life is now. What I haven't mentioned is all my personal victories, and there are many.