Matthew at the Savoy

As I am counting down the days until I embark on my journey to (70% chance) wellness, I thought I would utilize the time and share...

It was December, I am pretty sure because it was really cold out, there was snow on the ground. It was Saturday night at about 3am. I was hanging around outside of the Savoy, that's where the dope dealers were that night ( the dope dealers that I preferred - there were MANY other dealers elsewhere), and I also had a good vantage point because I had a clear view of Hastings and Gore, which is good corner for spotting potential dates.

But this night it was really dead on the street. The only people out were the people selling dope, the people scoring dope/trying to score dope, girls selling sex, (very few) men looking to buy sex, and the Police. I remember I was almost crying, I had no money and no prospective ways to MAKE money. And it was f'n freezing out.

A fellow street urchin named Todd said he may know someone that I could do a date with. He walked up to this old guy that was going into the lobby of the Savoy and offered my services.Next thing I know we are heading up the stairs to his room. His name was Matthew. I don't know why I remember his name, but I do.

At first I was just ecstatic at getting out of the cold, and at the chance to make some money, but that faded quickly. I never liked those downtown hotels anyways, I found them, frightening and intimidating. I always felt like if I was in serious danger and screamed or got stabbed, no one would care and come to my aid. At least on the street the cops MAY show up.

Anyways, back to Matthew's room. It was filthy, it was like one of those TLC shows about "hoarders", but much worse. There was garbage and dirty clothes and needles and roaches...tons of roaches. Like usual, I just wanted to get things over with so I could get my money and get out of there and of course I was being severely underpaid.

And so begins one of the many humiliating and degrading moments of my life. During the "date" in this horrible sanitation nightmare of a hotel room, Matthew starts speaking to me very quietly and deliberately. He was saying things like "who do you think you are, you fucking whore...you are nothing" and "you are worthless, piece of garbage". Over and over and over. I remember how it shredded any ounce of self respect I may have had still lingering in my soul.. It was painful, it was like I was outside myself watching and listening to all this. It was surreal, because usually I could go through the motions and not think about what I was doing. But I couldn't this time. I can't even explain myself enough to possibly make someone understand how truly humiliating it was to have someone say something like this to me and mean it. Especially someone like him. While I was having sex with him for money. And not a lot of money, so I couldn't even justify it to myself because I was being paid well.

When he noticed I was upset, he just said "oh, I didn't mean it, it just gets me off" or something stupid like that. Then it was over and I left. I went back outside and it probably wasn't long until I found myself in the same situation I had just been in. Except the next time maybe the setting was different. Could have been in a car or a stairwell.

We did use a condom. He was actually very adamant that we use one. Weird. I was a threat to his health, but he obviously wasn't concerned about the cockroach larvae, bed bugs and whatever else thrives in filth.