She Thinks She's So Fisticated

I am here sitting here trying to figure out what to write about. I feel like writing something but what?..So, I look in my books of tricks (haha, but really, I do have a book that I write things down in, in abbreviated form...random one liners that remind me of certain things...) and nothing jumps out at me. Mainly because what I have written lately has been pretty "adult" and I don't feel like making that a constant theme. Because it wasn't all like that. A lot of what I have written in my "book" are just one sentence experiences that for some reason have stayed with me and for whatever other reason I feel they might be of interest to someone else.

As I am writing this I have come to the decision that rather than try to tell a story this time, I will just quote myself from the book of tricks and then explain what each one means. There will be no special order, no theme per se, just random happenings that I feel like recognizing in the public forum that is the world wide web. Notes that I will highlight in bold and I will type them up exactly how they appear in my book. I may only get to mention a few of 'em, but if I/we enjoy ourselves here, now, then I may do a post like this again.

He has "no one to care about, which is what makes a good con man" from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey, in reference to McMurphy (said/thought by Chief, from whose point of view the book was written). - I have had that book on my book shelf forever, got it at Value Village I think, and since I know the book is always better than the movie, I wanted to read it. Eventually I got around to it about 5 months ago and when I read the above phrase I was like "YEAH, EXACTLY". Total description of the mentality of an addict, a guiltless con man.

picture of me holding $20 - It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but one time, when I was super ill (as in dope sick) I was approached by this young-ish guy that asked me if he paid me 20 bucks could he take some pictures of me. I have done this before, it is easy money, they usually want to be quick, they don't want me to touch them and don't need to touch me, they just want to see my boobs or whatever. (Of course there WAS that one guy that wanted pics of me and an English cucumber......-am I joking? Maybe? Maybe not? Let's say yes, for dignity's sake)

Anyways, this guy approached me, wanted some pics. No problem, I said. We went into some random alley and he asked me if I would pull down my pants and lift up my shirt. I said "yes", of course. Is this a big deal? It wasn't to me. It isn't like I had any plans to be a politician or anything, so the picture leaking out was not a huge concern. Plus, try to understand, I was at the point where I couldn't even visualize myself ever getting "out" of the life I was living. So contemplating the repercussions or consequences of anything was null and void. I put myself in danger daily, multiple times a day, so no big deal. You may think "why is she writing about a f*cking picture, who cares?". I get that, the thing IS, com-padres, is that he had me pull down my pants, pull up my shirt and HOLD THE 4 FIVE DOLLAR BILLS THAT HE PAID ME TO DO IT. Basically just showing that all it took was a measly $20 for me to show him and his camera, myself..face, nakedness, nothingness and all. I don't know know why I mention it, all I know is, when I think back, I feel pretty stupid about it. Yeah, it was cheap.

still looking in windows - All this means is that for a looong time after I had quit working the street I would catch myself looking to see who was driving vehicles. When you work the street seeing and making eye contact with the driver of any particular vehicle was very important because anyone/everyone was an opportunity to make money. Plus, you could never know if it was the last "cruise" around the block that a guy was making. It was a hard habit to break, in fact my ex used to bitch me out for the longest time whenever I would do it. But I got so used to doing it that it was normal for me. I don't do it anymore.

Franco stroke - beating/deaf, Chrissy stroke - shooting meth - this refers to this guy Franco that I used to know. He was your average junkie, nice guy just f*cked up and addicted to crack. I guess he ripped off the wrong guy or something and ended up getting seriously sh*t kicked by someone and had a stroke as a result. The stroke left him like 90% deaf and brain damaged. He went from the hospital back to Main and Hastings and was a different person after it. He was still using but he was like a child after the whole ordeal. Didn't really ever really understand what was going on...he was a shell of what he once was. Chrissy was this girl I knew that was so beautiful even though she was using and she banged some super strong gibb one time and had a stroke. She was was 26 at the time. Scary. She was basically fine after but still...

David and dry humping - I had this date named David. He paid really sh*tty but all he ever wanted was to rent a room and would lie on top of me with his clothes on and dry hump me so hard that it was almost painful. He always had razor stubble and it burned my face. He would do this for a good 20 minutes then put on a condom and give one good push into me and would finish. He always talked about how he was planning on giving me more money but for some reason never got the promotion he kept telling me about...

I will share more another day, this is enough for now. And if anyone is wondering, these days I am doing great. In fact I just received word last week that I've been chosen as a recipient of a small scholarship that is rewarded to women that have triumphed through adversity. I had to write a personal essay and all this other stuff, so it was quite the process to even apply, but they have decided to give it to ME. ME. I have worked my ass of to try to make up for lost time and it feels really good to have this happen. Really good. So yeah, I am almost happy?? Yes, I am.

onway iatushay

Okay, so here's the situation......

my parent's went away on a week's vacation and...

Here IS the situation. I am not really sure where I want to take "this" now that I am in school. I am super busy now and what with school and my son, I don't really have time to do a post every week. AND to be fair, I must be honest, the last 2 posts that I wrote, well, my heart just wasn't in 'em. It was more just relating facts not actually telling the story in my usual way. So, I just wanted to acknowledge that I take pride in what I do on this site and it bums me out that I can't put the time in right now that I did for the last year.

What I have decided to do is to just write when I am inspired. Not to say that I wasn't always inspired when I wrote all my previous posts but I before, I was emotionally able to take the necessary energy needed to recall, recreate and publish these memories from the past.

My counsellor (Hi, A, I know you are reading this) and I were discussing the blog and I am really not interested in turning this into a that was me then, this is me now sort of thing. I have convinced myself that people read this solely because of the rawness of it and plus, does anyone even really CARE about NOW? I mean, it is the dirty stuff, the morbidly satisfying and shocking things that keep them coming back, is it not?

Anyways, maybe I am wrong. Feel free to email me and tell me what you think I should do. Or simply post a comment. Or let it be. I am not going anywhere, let that be clear. This is my site, I just paid to renewed my domain name and I WILL be getting my ten dollars worth.

*********

And that was a direct reference to the Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand" at the top.

So You Say You Want to Have a Threesome....

I promised a long time ago that I would write a post about one of the "couple" dates that I did. Couple as in more than one person yes, but more importantly, couple, as in girlfriend/boyfriend. It happens out there, rather than put an ad on craigslist or whatever they decide to go straight to the professionals. Because that is exactly what we were....

Actually, here is a tip...girls on the street that are selling sex on the low track usually have drug problems so if you are looking for a female that is going to get into what you are proposing, this is the WRONG type of girl for the job. "We" want to get in and get out, asap. No, we aren't enjoying ourselves..mentally we will not be "present", so give it up. We want the money not your feeble attempts at casual experimentation. Don't get me wrong, I can act like whoever you want just don't ask me to have an orgasm..because I won't, can't, and will fake badly at the best of times. I mean, I HAVE had orgasms on rare occasions but never (or almost never) when it is required. And if you must get one of these type girls for your escapade at least have her get drugs for herself first. Then and only then will she (I) participate more than marginally and even then there is no guarantee.

In my own person experience I found that one of the 2 persons in a bf/gf combination is usually more into it than the other, so from the outset the whole idea of a threesome is sort of unfair. And it is usually him that is more into than her. That is just from my point of view.

Setting: Nighttime, Hastings and Gore.

A motorcycle pulls up along side of the street where I am about to score my dope. On the motorcycle is two leather clad individuals, one male one female. They are of average age, average appearance. She approaches me and asks me if I will accompany her to their apartment which is in the big apt building right at Main and Hastings (which is perfect because it is local, very local). "They" (HIM) want to have a threesome and want my services in completing their sexual ring of desire.

ME: Fine, but I was just about to score, can I do that first?

HER: No, we are both in recovery, so no drugs.

ME: (heavily disappointed but somewhat consoled by the fact that we are near the red zone anyways, so within minutes of finishing my "work" with them, I will be inhaling/injecting the necessary intoxicants) Sigh, F I N E.

It is common knowledge that anytime there is more than one person present during the date or if more than one person wants servicing it can be dangerous. You can be occupied doing something and then the other "party" can attack you when you are least expecting it and or you can be easily overpowered... But to counter that thought, more than one means double the money. It is like the whole 2 birds with one stone scenario. The risk is worth the payoff.

He takes off on the bike to park it and she and I walk the one block to their building and we all go inside together. If it wasn't already obvious to me, it was more so obvious that he was more into it than her as soon as we got there. He wanted to waste no time, wanted to jump in, pronto, stat.

I only wanted to know what exactly I was being paid for. I understood that I was to be a third to their usual twosome but I needed to be clear on how they wanted me to behave. See, as I mentioned above...a person could hire me for whatever but it has to be understood that I am merely playing a role. I can ACT like I am a willing participant but things can get tricky. Like this situation..he tells me to "get into it, have fun...." and all this other crap. I am like "um, no, I can't do that" since I was there for THEM not for me. It is as people don't understand this part of the "date dynamic". I would not be there if it wasn't for the money so it goes against the whole concept of a threesome. I cannot make out with your girlfriend and seriously enjoy myself. I can't even have sex with her boyfriend and seriously enjoy myself. It is not what Shirley wants, it is what THEY want. A person doesn't hire a maid and expect them (the maid) to thoroughly get off on making some stranger's house clean. The house cleaner most likely does not clean for fun..she is being paid to clean the house and she would not be there otherwise.

Moving on: I said I would give it a try (the 3 way) and make like I was enjoying myself during it especially when they handed me a bunch of money. A bunch. Of money. Once I have that money, I am keeping it. Especially in places like apartment buildings, sure, I can be overpowered by another human being, BUT I can also scream like hell and fight back as loud as I can. I can guarantee that the neighbors will hear me. I had done it before and no one ever wants anyone else to know that "they" utilize the services of a street girl. Once I already HAVE the money, if things don't go their way, what can they do?

Immediately he wants to get busy. So, he requests that I start going d*wn on him and that she watch. I still feel bad about this because I KNOW she probably wasn't getting all riled up like he was. Poor girl. So I oblige and do what he asks and then he says he wants to be in me from behind (not anally, in case you wondered, you pervert) and watch me go down on her. A sexual sandwich with me in the middle. I reluctantly agreed..I mean, I have no problems doing one date after another, but at the same time, no matter who you are, IS quite intense, and I have never been a fan in my personal or professional life, which isn't to say I haven't done it. The girlfriend prepares to enter the scenario.

One thing I can tell you is that in my life, then and now, I believe that being prepared for a sexual encounter is key. What I mean is..being clean, hygienically most importantly (I am not addressing the whole STI thing, just cleanliness of oneself). I am not going to really talk about MY life NOW but I will tell you that while I was working the street and certain things were asked of me I always made sure I was clean. Even as a homeless drug addict I made sure of it. I was a junkie so I always water on me and even a splash can help a particularly intimate situation.

As I have said in previous posts, often I was asked to shower before we did the "date" and always did if it was possible, and more often that not the other party does as well or is already respectably clean. Now, you might think that most individuals would NOT care to be clean since prostitutes are considered the scum of the Earth according to the majority but that is not the case. There are the filthy guys/dates and they have to be reckoned with, etc but most aren't overly scummy. I would expect this from another female for sure, being clean, I mean.

I would have thought that she would have made sure of this cleanliness before our rendezvous or even after we got to the apartment when it was clear we going to go ahead with it. But no, I guess riding on the back of her boyfriend's motorcycle in full leather bike gear was not something that she considered a threat to her "presentation". Don't get me wrong, she wasn't overly foul or anything..she was just the average woman, and like any woman she could have had a quick wipe down before hand. I know this sounds gross but I am not sure how to describe it other wise.

Long story short, she got in front of me and after about a minute and a half I was just like "no, I can't do this". I mean, I MAY have been able to had she been squeaky clean because hey, it just skin, right? But no, I was very aware that she was female and with buddy in the back of me trying to destroy me from the inside, it just wasn't going to happen. It is one thing to shut your eyes and just let them to things to you (intercourse) but it is a whole new game when you have to actually participate actively when in reality you cannot possible displace yourself mentally from the situation. I can't make you understand. It may sound crazy because I had to provide bl*w jobs all the time and that's me doing all the work, bl*wing vile men daily. But one bl*wjob is like any other and really, that was always easy.

SO, I just told them, I said I couldn't do it. I did not clarify why exactly but just said I wasn't into it or told them I was dope sick or something. And being the nice street girl that I was, I actually gave them a whole $10 dollars back. Which was a teensy percentage of the grand total but I felt they deserved that much back. They still had the visual of the few minutes I HAD taken part, so whatever. Plus, I found her lack of courtesy off putting as well.

That is it, that is my story for this week. Nice and humiliating and embarrassing and all the people that I know from my real life will read this and shake their heads and talk amongst themselves about how they cannot believe I used to do things like this and how disgusting, blahblahblah. But remember, you didn't live my life, you have no idea how it was. You have no clue that once you get to a certain point (and that point is very early on once you sell yourself just one time) you will do pretty much anything (pain excluded or hopefully avoided) and it is all work. Just work, just a job, one day no different than any other..the only thing that sets the days apart is the amount of dates you can fit into one day and of course the people change.. But then again, they sort of ARE all the same people that just want a variation of the same thing.

And the posts, well, they all end the same way too. Without a life lesson, you don't leave having learned something new. Just another tale about a day in my life that I wish had never happened but am not ashamed that it did all the same.