Saturday, July 24, 2010

She Thinks She's So Fisticated


I am here sitting here trying to figure out what to write about. I feel like writing something but what?..So, I look in my books of tricks (haha, but really, I do have a book that I write things down in, in abbreviated form...random one liners that remind me of certain things...) and nothing jumps out at me. Mainly because what I have written lately has been pretty "adult" and I don't feel like making that a constant theme. Because it wasn't all like that. A lot of what I have written in my "book" are just one sentence experiences that for some reason have stayed with me and for whatever other reason I feel they might be of interest to someone else.

As I am writing this I have come to the decision that rather than try to tell a story this time, I will just quote myself from the book of tricks and then explain what each one means. There will be no special order, no theme per se, just random happenings that I feel like recognizing in the public forum that is the world wide web. Notes that I will highlight in bold and I will type them up exactly how they appear in my book. I may only get to mention a few of 'em, but if I/we enjoy ourselves here, now, then I may do a post like this again.

He has "no one to care about, which is what makes a good con man" from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey, in reference to McMurphy (said/thought by Chief, from whose point of view the book was written). - I have had that book on my book shelf forever, got it at Value Village I think, and since I know the book is always better than the movie, I wanted to read it. Eventually I got around to it about 5 months ago and when I read the above phrase I was like "YEAH, EXACTLY". Total description of the mentality of an addict, a guiltless con man.


picture of me holding $20 - It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but one time, when I was super ill (as in dope sick) I was approached by this young-ish guy that asked me if he paid me 20 bucks could he take some pictures of me. I have done this before, it is easy money, they usually want to be quick, they don't want me to touch them and don't need to touch me, they just want to see my boobs or whatever. (Of course there WAS that one guy that wanted pics of me and an English cucumber......-am I joking? Maybe? Maybe not? Let's say yes, for dignity's sake)

Anyways, this guy approached me, wanted some pics. No problem, I said. We went into some random alley and he asked me if I would pull down my pants and lift up my shirt. I said "yes", of course. Is this a big deal? It wasn't to me. It isn't like I had any plans to be a politician or anything, so the picture leaking out was not a huge concern. Plus, try to understand, I was at the point where I couldn't even visualize myself ever getting "out" of the life I was living. So contemplating the repercussions or consequences of anything was null and void. I put myself in danger daily, multiple times a day, so no big deal. You may think "why is she writing about a f*cking picture, who cares?". I get that, the thing IS, com-padres, is that he had me pull down my pants, pull up my shirt and HOLD THE 4 FIVE DOLLAR BILLS THAT HE PAID ME TO DO IT. Basically just showing that all it took was a measly $20 for me to show him and his camera, myself..face, nakedness, nothingness and all. I don't know know why I mention it, all I know is, when I think back, I feel pretty stupid about it. Yeah, it was cheap.

still looking in windows - All this means is that for a looong time after I had quit working the street I would catch myself looking to see who was driving vehicles. When you work the street seeing and making eye contact with the driver of any particular vehicle was very important because anyone/everyone was an opportunity to make money. Plus, you could never know if it was the last "cruise" around the block that a guy was making. It was a hard habit to break, in fact my ex used to bitch me out for the longest time whenever I would do it. But I got so used to doing it that it was normal for me. I don't do it anymore.

Franco stroke - beating/deaf, Chrissy stroke - shooting meth - this refers to this guy Franco that I used to know. He was your average junkie, nice guy just f*cked up and addicted to crack. I guess he ripped off the wrong guy or something and ended up getting seriously sh*t kicked by someone and had a stroke as a result. The stroke left him like 90% deaf and brain damaged. He went from the hospital back to Main and Hastings and was a different person after it. He was still using but he was like a child after the whole ordeal. Didn't really ever really understand what was going on...he was a shell of what he once was. Chrissy was this girl I knew that was so beautiful even though she was using and she banged some super strong gibb one time and had a stroke. She was was 26 at the time. Scary. She was basically fine after but still...

David and dry humping - I had this date named David. He paid really sh*tty but all he ever wanted was to rent a room and would lie on top of me with his clothes on and dry hump me so hard that it was almost painful. He always had razor stubble and it burned my face. He would do this for a good 20 minutes then put on a condom and give one good push into me and would finish. He always talked about how he was planning on giving me more money but for some reason never got the promotion he kept telling me about...

I will share more another day, this is enough for now. And if anyone is wondering, these days I am doing great. In fact I just received word last week that I've been chosen as a recipient of a small scholarship that is rewarded to women that have triumphed through adversity. I had to write a personal essay and all this other stuff, so it was quite the process to even apply, but they have decided to give it to ME. ME. I have worked my ass of to try to make up for lost time and it feels really good to have this happen. Really good. So yeah, I am almost happy?? Yes, I am.





1 comment:

  1. thats so awesome to hear that you've been chosen to receive a scholarship! Glad it made you feel good and i think you must deserve it, so.....sit back and bask in the sunshine at least for a little while

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