Wednesday, March 31, 2010

What I am trying to say is that heroin is a person that I used to know.

This won't be a full on post, I don't think. I am just thinking about certain things today..and don't really have much of a story to tell. I have always been an avid dreamer and my dreams invoke certain thoughts and feelings. Like music. Most people are like that though, are reminded of things through music...scenery..smells, etc. I read somewhere that your sense of smell is responsible for the most heightened sense of memory recall (I am not really sure how to say that - hope you get it).

Certain songs always remind me of heroin. "Dead Flowers" by the Rolling Stones (weird, since it has obvious references to heroin) and "Time Has Told Me" by Nick Drake. Other songs remind me too..but it's these two especially.

Anyway..what I was thinking about today is something I think about not as often as I used to, but often enough - especially after I have certain, themed dreams.

My point is that if I am to be honest, I miss heroin. I do, and I don't think that it is bad to admit that. I don't CRAVE heroin, understand that, but I miss it all the same. I miss it like I miss my ex-boyfriend that I was with when I first began using (heroin) seriously (I used many other intoxicants for years prior, heroin included).

I miss heroin like I miss him. I dream about him all the time, about as often as I have using dreams (not all the time..but it is recurring). I dream that I am so happy that I have found him and that it is like no time has passed (but it has) and the love is there. We did love each other, not in a healthy way of course, but still it was love. I have mentioned this to friends before and the ones that witnessed that relationship are not very understanding.

I wonder where he is now. I have done a bit of research but have found nothing. I wonder if he is somewhere nearby? Is he happy? Is he dead? Probably not. Jail? Nah...With another woman? Most likely, it has been so many years. He may have a new girlfriend, showing her his undying love through bouts of adoration mixed with physical and mental torture. Of course it isn't wasn't all like that but I am positive that is how it would be for him and any female since myself. I was there, I lived it, I know him.

You cannot possibly understand what I am trying to say here. One could read and think what the hell what I miss this guy for? I don't mention any of the good things about him, but he knew me like no one else. Can you even know what I mean? Maybe. Maybe not.

Him and heroin...are like "this" in me. F*ck, I miss him. But I live without him and I am happy all the same. It is just when I have one of those dreams...and my dreams of him are much more painful than my ones of heroin.

Why I am telling you this? Why, considering it really has nothing to do with the topic that my blog is actually supposed to be about? I dunno - but I had to get it out. I am just recognizing a feeling that I am experiencing.

One of my old counsellors used to tell me that my harboring feelings for him was like holding on to old stuff, when I need to get new stuff. I don't know what it is going to take...but it hasn't happened yet even though my life is so different now. Of course, I forgive my ex...we were both sick people. Sick in different ways. My illness is treatable..his, not so much.

He occupies a space in me, I guess. Like heroin. Heroin sucks, and I know that. It isn't even fun - and I don't have any desire to do it but I miss blank so much it hurts sometimes. Very irrational, I know.


Anyways, my next post will be back on topic. Have a pleasing afternoon.



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