the precipice

I guess I should start at the beginning of how it all fell apart. I am going to try to keep this condensed into one post but it is a lot of information so it may have to be broken down into a series. Keep in mind that this will in no way be filtered - I need to be totally honest and get it out there - it isn't nice and it isn't pretty and it isn't going to make you laugh - or it might, who knows. If anything - it will probably just confirm a thought that I am sure most individuals have when knowing me "wow, I am so glad I am not her".

It all began in January. I had been seeing this guy, I had known him years ago and we were basically communicating through emails. It was slow at first but then eventually I was all in, on paper - he was so fantastic. Now, talking about him isn't really that relevant to the events but I feel like talking about it, so I will. If you know me at all (which you really don't but let's pretend that you do) you'll know that i have a certain criteria when dating. It really isn't an insane, crazy list of things that must be checked off..just some things I prefer. Vocabulary is one, spelling and grammar/punctuation is another. I am not perfect by any means, but I feel like when one is a poor speller etc, they are just being lazy and I don't like it. Anyways, I was seriously invested in this guy - he wasn't super hot or anything - not at all actually. But he was thin (which I like) he had tattoos, which isn't a deal breaker but I sure like it and he was funny as f*ck. Which is key. Oh and yes, he was extremely intelligent.

So we were communicating back and forth for quite a while before we actually hooked up. He lives about 45 mins from me. Apparently we had made out in the past - I have no recollection of this. But he wouldn't be the first guy that I can't remember making out with. Anyways, we only ended up hanging out about 5 times. The first tine I drank like 2 bottles of wine, made a complete ass of myself I am sure. It was doomed from the start though - as soon as I saw him it wasn't flowing like it should be. In emails we got along great but in person not so much to talk about. Which is why I dipped into the wine so heavily the first time. I was nervous.

The NEXT time we hung out, about 2 weeks later wasn't good. He was "depressed" (he had mentioned that he had always had an obsession with suicide - which I sort of ignored but now in retrospect I realize that something like that is pretty major). Anyways, as soon as he came in I felt his energy and how off it was. DOWNER. It was during this visit that he showed me his arms. And they had track marks on them. Not huge - but if you know what to look for - seeing them can be quite jarring. He had had a spell with heroin in the past as well, like me, but hadn't been nearly as f*cked up as I was. He told me that he and his friend had been doing coke on the weekends sometimes...and that the past weekend they had decided to whack it. I was shocked, really I was. I mean, first off, the guy had a son that lives with him - a 4 year old, just like me and I thought it was pretty lame of him to be doing that. At this point I already knew he wasn't the ONE for me but had liked him so much in the beginning that my 'vision" was clouded, sort of.

Now don't be freaking out and thinking that I started shooting coke with him. As if, coke sucks. BUT I will say that having him tell me that he had used for some reason, somewhere in the back of my stupid mind sort of opened a door that had been shut for a very long time. Like 5 years that door was shut. It wasn't immediately opened but the demon behind it was lurking and was waiting for his chance to make an appearance.

It is so f*cked how humans operate, I knew he wasn't for me - but had so counted on him being so that when he just stopped talking to me - I was devastated. I mean, I wasn't going to hang myself or anything (can't imagine liking anyone THAT much) but still, I was rejected - therefore I was heartbroken - his rejecting made me want him more.

I will just tell you about the last time we saw each other because I am sure it will be amusing for you. He had come over with his son and we going to take our boys to this indoor amusement center. I mean, I not big on family dates..because I would rather us still get to know each other without bringing the kids into the mix. It just throws things off..I was nervous, what if his kid doesnt like me (which is ridiculous because kids love me and I love them, but you know, its only natural to be nervous) and other sort of anxious thoughts.

So they came over, played upstairs for a bit..he and I were as usual, a little bit ill at ease..we both already knew I am sure that "we" weren't really going to go anywhere in terms of a relationship. Holy shit, I forgot to tell you something else about him. Are you familiar with the term ED? Erectile dysfunction? Well, he had that. the few times we made out he could hardly keep it up. I mean, I thought we were going to "go to town" since I was so mentally into him. It is easy to have sex, but when you are actually into it in your head, it is that much better - which is odd for me because honestly, I could take it or leave it most of the time. Sad, I know - but I am fine with it -so get over it. So anyways, no, it was difficult..for him - which was pretty bad for my self esteem, I must tell you. I used to be a prostitute - so having a guy not get off was totally something that I am not familiar with. I know that sounds terrible but it's true. Anyways, he did get me off..(or so he thought..haha). Yes, I faked it, don't be shocked - girls do it all the time. To any guys that are reading this - if she has had 2 bottles of wine..don't even bother. She is going to fake it. I would anyways. Me telling you this is my little f*ck you to him. He isn't a terrible person or anything, so don't think that. But f*ck him anyways.

Right, the last time we hung out we went to the indoor play center. On the way home, in his car, his son says "Dad, there is bird poop on the car window" (our children were in the back seats in their car seats). And he says "that's fine, we can clean it off later". So then I turn around to look at what his son was talking about and immediately I break into a sweat. It wasn't bird poop. My son had picked his nose and wiped on the window of his car. I couldn't just ignore it - I HAD to say something -I mean, he would figure it out anyways. So yeah, that was the last time we hung out.

Okay, I'm tired. That is enough for now. This should satiate your appetite for a while. This is only the beginning anyways - I need to rest up before I tell you more.

Jason, of the Balmoral Jason's

I have no picture of him, so I thought a picture of Jason Vorhees (Friday the 13th) would suffice.

There was this dope addict Jason. He wasn't one that was around constantly. In fact, my very first run in with him was as I crossed the street at Hastings and Main. He ran up beside me and asked me if I wanted to do a date. Of course I did..and he told me he had a room at the Balmoral. That was fine...the Balmoral was scary but in comparison to the other sleazy and roach infested hotels, the Balmoral was tolerable. It was late evening..it was dark..that is about all I can remember about the specifics in regards to the outdoor setting.

We went to his room and I asked him what he wanted me to do. He was sort of sketchy..well, "sort of sketchy" is an understatement. He was "wired for sound" (whatever that means..my Mum used to say that when I was a kid when I was all overly hyper)...he was very much overly hyper. Uber sketchy.

He told me all he wanted was for me to bang some cocaine with him (at the time I wasn't much of a coke slammer...but of course I still did it) and to just hang out and help him not freak out...THEN if he decided I wasn't Satan incarnate he wanted me to give him a ******* while he did another whack. He had tons of cash and said he would give me a hundred bucks.

We go to the room...we both do our hits...and his was obviously like 4 times the size of mine.....then he sits on the bed and unzips his pants and leans back for the obvious..I finished my whack and before I even had a chance to get more than 1 minute into what he was paying me for he was almost on the f*cking ceiling. He was on his feet...and even just looking at him I could tell that he was totally hallucinating. He kept asking me if I saw "this" or saw "that" and I would say "no..." I would remain calm though for his sake. I have done huge whacks before and if you have a crappy person with you they can scare you pretty badly. I saw that he was wigging out huge so I just sort of humored him, tried to be calm and didn't want to make him feel like he was a nut case, which he obviously was.

Eventually he was in the corner of the room with a chair in front of him staring at the ceiling telling me that he is seeing demons and they are gonna get him and that I CANNOT leave him. At this point all I want to DO is leave him. I was afraid he was going to turn on me..and don't forget that I was totally wasted too at this point. I went through phases of whacking coke during my addiction..and this was one of my off season's, so my tolerance was low. He was freaking out..okay fine, I could see that...but he was also totally scaring me. Not to mention this is all happening inside one of the most evil places on earth..a low income hotel on the downtown east side.

He had paid me the hundred bucks when we had arrived in the room but since I didn't even have to give him the bl*w*** I felt bad about taking that much money. This is when my humane side/moral virtue reared it's head. Yes, I was a crack/heroin abusing, homeless, sex selling, street urchin..but I had a conscience AND a heart. (Even now I remember times when I was down there..times when I had the opportunity to steal a bunch of dope or totally screw someone over..and I never did it. I mean if given the opportunity I would take advantage of certain situations for sure but...for example, I had this "date" that became a dope delivery driver..he was totally into me..he told me he loved me and stuff. He worked pretty much 24 hours a day and whenever we were together and we were parked hanging out..I was getting high or whatever, he would pass out from exhaustion. He always hid his dope in his steering wheel. The center horn part could be popped out and inside was a hollow space for his wares. The only time I ever stole from him while he was sleeping was ONE TIME and I didn't even take all of it. I took a quarter gram of down and a big rock of crack. At the time I didn't want him to realize afterward that I had pinched from him...and if he DID it was a small enough amount where I could pay him back - plus I didn't want him getting in trouble with his bosses. But he never even mentioned it! He didn't even KNOW that I had ripped him off. Sigh...I coulda taken a bunch more. Why do I still think about these things? I have no idea. It is scammer's remorse maybe.)

Back to Jason: He was freaking and I told him that I needed to go get my jacket, that I had left it outside. As I was trying to retreat and get the hell out of there..I put half of the money that he had given me ($50) on the bed..I said that I was leaving it there so he would know I was coming back after I got my jacket. I had no plans of coming back...but I needed to give him some of that cash back..he was wasted and I could have taken ALL of his money had I wanted to. I didn't want to though. I gave him the money back because he had already given me dope, I hadn't even had to do anything to him (sexually) and I was bailing on him in his time of need. That sounds stupid probably, but it is true.

When I was backing out of the door assuring him I WAS coming back..he was almost in tears in the corner of the room...chair still in front of him...almost screaming at me telling me he will give me more money and to please not leave. I left. I had no jacket that I had to retrieve and I did not return.

The second time I saw this individual it the same time of night on some random side street off of the stroll..he recognized me and I him..and he wanted to give me $35 for a hummer in a close by parking lot. Again he seems super amped..but he tells me he remembers how I didn't f*ck with him the last time he saw me when he was wasted beyond comprehension. Again he wants me to wait until he does his whack of up...and recalling what happened last time..I accepted his proposition knowing I most likely wouldn't have to do anything to him (hum-wise) at all. This time I refused his offer of giving me a fix though. He did his hit...unzipped...freaked out..and then stood up and told me to forget about it. I offered him his money back and he said no. This whole interaction took about 4 minutes.

The third time I saw Jason it was daytime...he wanted to get a room and get high and blah blah blah. Same story...same things happened. I did get high this time...nothing too exciting about this incident. We just did dope...he kept wanting me to service him..but wouldn't sit still. I walked out of there with twenty bucks (from him) that time. He had no money when the hour was up...I already HAD money before even meeting up with him...and since all I did was his dope and didn't even even have to touch him..I gave him some of his money back again.

The last time I saw him it was in an alley right by Oppenheimer Park. It was rainy and the alley was muddy and it was just all around a miserable night for all junkies/street urchins/prostitutes etc. This time he had $20 and some coke and wanted to give me ten bucks and a bunch of coke to go down on him. I said "no". He was very sketchy and as I walked away he was bending down sucking puddle water into his rig cause he had no sterile water to mix his coke with.

He was a dope addict but not one that I saw very often on a street level..he obviously had another life - or he did when I initially met him...but then over time his using got progressively worse.

The first time he ran up beside me and asked me for a date he was about the same age as me or maybe a few years older..his clothes were clean..his hands were clean...and he was hot. I mean it, he was a total babe. He was one of those slightly framed males that were obviously very much a man but had a distinctly feminine look to him. He was pretty. When I last saw him he was none of those things. He looked about twenty years older, he was dirty, pathetic and using muddy water from an alley to slam his coke.

Do you even care?