Thursday, September 15, 2011

the precipice

I guess I should start at the beginning of how it all fell apart. I am going to try to keep this condensed into one post but it is a lot of information so it may have to be broken down into a series. Keep in mind that this will in no way be filtered - I need to be totally honest and get it out there - it isn't nice and it isn't pretty and it isn't going to make you laugh - or it might, who knows. If anything - it will probably just confirm a thought that I am sure most individuals have when knowing me "wow, I am so glad I am not her".

It all began in January. I had been seeing this guy, I had known him years ago and we were basically communicating through emails. It was slow at first but then eventually I was all in, on paper - he was so fantastic. Now, talking about him isn't really that relevant to the events but I feel like talking about it, so I will. If you know me at all (which you really don't but let's pretend that you do) you'll know that i have a certain criteria when dating. It really isn't an insane, crazy list of things that must be checked off..just some things I prefer. Vocabulary is one, spelling and grammar/punctuation is another. I am not perfect by any means, but I feel like when one is a poor speller etc, they are just being lazy and I don't like it. Anyways, I was seriously invested in this guy - he wasn't super hot or anything - not at all actually. But he was thin (which I like) he had tattoos, which isn't a deal breaker but I sure like it and he was funny as f*ck. Which is key. Oh and yes, he was extremely intelligent.

So we were communicating back and forth for quite a while before we actually hooked up. He lives about 45 mins from me. Apparently we had made out in the past - I have no recollection of this. But he wouldn't be the first guy that I can't remember making out with. Anyways, we only ended up hanging out about 5 times. The first tine I drank like 2 bottles of wine, made a complete ass of myself I am sure. It was doomed from the start though - as soon as I saw him it wasn't flowing like it should be. In emails we got along great but in person not so much to talk about. Which is why I dipped into the wine so heavily the first time. I was nervous.

The NEXT time we hung out, about 2 weeks later wasn't good. He was "depressed" (he had mentioned that he had always had an obsession with suicide - which I sort of ignored but now in retrospect I realize that something like that is pretty major). Anyways, as soon as he came in I felt his energy and how off it was. DOWNER. It was during this visit that he showed me his arms. And they had track marks on them. Not huge - but if you know what to look for - seeing them can be quite jarring. He had had a spell with heroin in the past as well, like me, but hadn't been nearly as f*cked up as I was. He told me that he and his friend had been doing coke on the weekends sometimes...and that the past weekend they had decided to whack it. I was shocked, really I was. I mean, first off, the guy had a son that lives with him - a 4 year old, just like me and I thought it was pretty lame of him to be doing that. At this point I already knew he wasn't the ONE for me but had liked him so much in the beginning that my 'vision" was clouded, sort of.

Now don't be freaking out and thinking that I started shooting coke with him. As if, coke sucks. BUT I will say that having him tell me that he had used for some reason, somewhere in the back of my stupid mind sort of opened a door that had been shut for a very long time. Like 5 years that door was shut. It wasn't immediately opened but the demon behind it was lurking and was waiting for his chance to make an appearance.

It is so f*cked how humans operate, I knew he wasn't for me - but had so counted on him being so that when he just stopped talking to me - I was devastated. I mean, I wasn't going to hang myself or anything (can't imagine liking anyone THAT much) but still, I was rejected - therefore I was heartbroken - his rejecting made me want him more.

I will just tell you about the last time we saw each other because I am sure it will be amusing for you. He had come over with his son and we going to take our boys to this indoor amusement center. I mean, I not big on family dates..because I would rather us still get to know each other without bringing the kids into the mix. It just throws things off..I was nervous, what if his kid doesnt like me (which is ridiculous because kids love me and I love them, but you know, its only natural to be nervous) and other sort of anxious thoughts.

So they came over, played upstairs for a bit..he and I were as usual, a little bit ill at ease..we both already knew I am sure that "we" weren't really going to go anywhere in terms of a relationship. Holy shit, I forgot to tell you something else about him. Are you familiar with the term ED? Erectile dysfunction? Well, he had that. the few times we made out he could hardly keep it up. I mean, I thought we were going to "go to town" since I was so mentally into him. It is easy to have sex, but when you are actually into it in your head, it is that much better - which is odd for me because honestly, I could take it or leave it most of the time. Sad, I know - but I am fine with it -so get over it. So anyways, no, it was difficult..for him - which was pretty bad for my self esteem, I must tell you. I used to be a prostitute - so having a guy not get off was totally something that I am not familiar with. I know that sounds terrible but it's true. Anyways, he did get me off..(or so he thought..haha). Yes, I faked it, don't be shocked - girls do it all the time. To any guys that are reading this - if she has had 2 bottles of wine..don't even bother. She is going to fake it. I would anyways. Me telling you this is my little f*ck you to him. He isn't a terrible person or anything, so don't think that. But f*ck him anyways.

Right, the last time we hung out we went to the indoor play center. On the way home, in his car, his son says "Dad, there is bird poop on the car window" (our children were in the back seats in their car seats). And he says "that's fine, we can clean it off later". So then I turn around to look at what his son was talking about and immediately I break into a sweat. It wasn't bird poop. My son had picked his nose and wiped on the window of his car. I couldn't just ignore it - I HAD to say something -I mean, he would figure it out anyways. So yeah, that was the last time we hung out.

Okay, I'm tired. That is enough for now. This should satiate your appetite for a while. This is only the beginning anyways - I need to rest up before I tell you more.