Yay and oh yeah that's awesome but still.

I saw my infectious disease doctor on Thursday. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep the night before. It had been so nice to not have to think about hepatitis c for so long....since I had completed treatment I just stopped thinking of myself as someone with hep c. Not that a person with hep c is different from any other person but I had sort of convinced myself that my having it may hold the key to my ever finding happiness. I know that sounds ridiculous but still, this is how I felt. Like, why would anyone love me when they could find a girl that had never BEEN a prostitute or a girl that didn't have hep c?? This is poisonous thinking, I realize that, but this is what went through my mind on more than one occasion. Hep C isn't even a big deal but I secretly felt like it was. I play tough like I have come out of "it" all unscathed but I haven't. I still feel like I am constantly trying to make up for lost time, time lost out there....

Anyways, so I saw my doctor. I had told very few people about my appointment. I had to leave school early and just said I had a specialist appointment, told only one person that it was relating to my liver. I just said I had been getting check ups ever since my liver enzymes had shown that I was in stage two cirrhosis of the liver, forever blaming it on my past drug use. It made me feel incredibly lonely to not be able to share this with anyone really, no one really understood how nervous I was about this appointment. It had been postponed once already and I was hoping it would be again. I told maybe 1 friend and then some family members..only people that had already known that I had had hep c in the first place. But as I said only one person from school new that I was seriously concerned...

Speaking of this person I had told, something funny occurred between us the other morning when we had met before school for coffee.

To make a long story short we were discussing something about the internet and I mentioned I had a website. What was the website?? Well, I just came out and told her that I used to be a prostitute (she already knew about the addiction). THEN, after I swore her to secrecy, she then made me vow secrecy in return and told me she actually does that NOW, to supplement her student loan. The work not the drugs. Work in the sense not like I "worked", she isn't working the street she just knows this guy, and he has money - he just shares it with her... She ***** him *** and he ***** *** ***** etc, blah blah blah, whatever they do together is their own business. I don't care what anyone says but it IS work. Another interesting detail is that she is a lesbian which I think makes the story even juicier. Hah, awesome. Like what are the chances?? She had me believing that she just had a very well paying catering job. I mean, she made mad cash at the job and I always wondered how she was able to pay for all her expenses on a part timer's salary. It was funny though, she referred to it as "coming out" to each other, her and I's sharing, which is a great way to put it and I am smiling as I type this. I love her and I am not going to even think about the ethics of anything. I accept her as she accepts me. We did both admit to each other that we may have some faint issues with sex as a result of these experiences but we had to get to school and had no real chance to get any deeper about it.

Back to my hep c story. Did I mention THAT THE HEPATITIS IS STILL NOT THERE?????? Yes, it's true. My doc asked me how I felt and I said great. He said "you should, because you are cured". He actually used that term. Cured? I didn't realize one could be cured but he said he would be very surprised if it ever came back. That it had a less than one percent chance of ever showing it's hideous face again. For now he ( Dr. F) will see me in 6 months then eventually it will be annually. Now I just need to worry about getting my son tested.....

One step closer to personal forgiveness, I hope.