Continuation of Last Week's Post, sans Zardoz

I will begin with the last paragraph from the previous post so it makes sense:

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This second time "we" had arranged for me to go to my sister's house in Delta to detox. I was not familiar with Delta, so I had no dope connection out there, plus they weren't planning on letting me go out much, much less letting me out with any money. My sister had been in treatment before, as I mentioned, and had detoxed off of alcohol more than once so she knew that I was going to be sick. I still did not know even how sick I was going to get, as I had only ever made it to day 2 and a half, and that time was by accident.

I was to stay in her room, the master bedroom and would be left to it (kicking). I accepted this as truth and it wasn't until after I arrived that I was told that the only washroom that was working in the house was in the en suite off of the bedroom I was to be "detoxing" in. Not a pleasant thought considering she had 4 boys all under ten, plus her and her husband in the house as well. But still, I was giving it a try.

Before I get on with what happened after I got there, let me inform you a little something that happened on my way there. I had scored, knowing (reluctantly) that it was my last "hurrah". Lots of people, including my bf, think since someone is going to detox anyways, why not just start the process as soon as you decide to go..get a jump on things or something. NO WAY, I can tell you that I have been to detox quite a few times and I had to go in blazing every time. Detoxing is f*cking scary and I could never walk in there voluntarily with a clear head.

As I mentioned in the part one of this post junkies have various ingenious ways of disguising and hiding their dope, and I was no different. I had scored some dope, intending to bring it with me to my sister's so at least I could pretend to myself that I was going to use it just to ease the pain not that I was going to cheat or anything.. us junkies are very good at rationing.. I had this beige, old school long coat that I used to wear all the time. Seventies-ish and awesome, similar to the picture above.. This jacket, like most jackets, had pockets but I had ripped the seam in one of the side pockets making the jacket itself a place to hide a paper of heroin. Just so happens that this time I had a point of heroin in a flap that I had put way down deep inside the coat's liner. I had wrapped it in a bit of Kleenex so you couldn't even feel the flap in there but just a Kleenex that was balled up.

As I was leaving my apt to go get the skytrain to go to my sister's, my bf and I were saying our goodbyes and he was hugging me and decided to be nice and thought he would clean out my pockets since it was obvious that I had old ratty tissues in my jacket. He had never done this before, and why now? I don't know but it happened. He pulled out all of the Kleenex I had wadded up in there, including the one that had my precious cargo in it. I watched and tried to remain calm as he casually threw it in the garbage. Since I was on my way out there was no way I could steal a moment alone to rummage through the kitchen garbage, so I had to leave my dope behind.

I had made it all the way to my sister's worried that he would throw the garbage out before I could get back there...I also knew that he had told our landlord to not let me in under any circumstances (he was worried I would take things to hawk). I worried through the night and got no sleep.

The next morning I had formulated a plan. I was sick at this point and was desperate as one is when in that state. I asked my sister (who was my prison guard at this point) if we could go to my house in Vancouver and pick up some of my stuff, like clothes and books and whatever else I needed to get through my detoxing. She thought that was a great idea so off we went. We had to take the bus and the skytrain though because she had no car. Public transit to my house was about an hour and half journey.

It is funny though because I was soooo dopesick but at soon as I knew that we were going to go back to my house and I MAY get my dope I suddenly felt worlds better. It's so stupid. Anyways, we eventually got there..my landlord had to call my bf at work to ask him if he could let me in...bf said yes since my sis was with me and we went in. As you have probably guessed he HAD NOT taken the garbage out. There was no slimy stuff on top or anything and because my sister did not think to watch me for any reason, she just sat in the living room and waited for me. I swear to you the ride back to Delta was not overly painful, it was actually a victorious one if anything. A point (which is 0.1 of a gram) was not going to get me far but I didn't care. I only ever worried about the present never the future.

I only got a day out of that point of heroin by the next day I was onto my next inevitable dilemma (having no dope). My sister, the ruling individual that she is, went out and bought a huge bottle of aspirin with codeine (knowing that codeine is a derivative of heroin or at least a close relative of it) thinking that would alleviate some of my symptoms of withdrawal. I guess it worked...but more in the sense that I was mildly comforted knowing that at least I had some sort of drug in my system. I survived but I told her many times that day that I was leaving and she kept saying, "okay, if you want to leave you can, but just wait ten more minutes and if you still want to leave, go ahead". Of course I was sicker as time went on, eventually it was night and I had to suffer through the witching hour until morning. Keep in mind that I got no peace in this room due to the constant usage of the only functioning bathroom being in MY room.

The NEXT day I was out, gone, I was going and I had figured out a master plan. And honestly, this is one of the things I am least proud of doing during my addiction. I know sleeping with scores of strange men and all that other crap is pretty effin' bad but you will see, this is bad in a different way.

I asked/told my sister that I was going to go to the corner store to get a popsicle or a freezie or something since I wasn't eating anything and thought I might be able to worry it down. She gave me some money to get the kids one too, so bam, I had my bus fare. I had my transportation fee secured. My sister had no idea though, that I had made a phone call earlier in the day.

When I was in highschool I had awesome friends. You know everyone has had them, the best friends..you know, your gangs of cohorts that you used to be with every second. Well, in my immediate group there was the alpha females and the alpha males. Now, in this group of females there were four. Myself and three others (duh). Two of them I had sort of lost touch with over time, whatever it happens, but one of them was like the glue..she was sort of needy and used to talk about this fantasy she had that we would all end up in a cul de sac and our kids would play together and all that. She was the one that still made an effort to reach me. I had gone to her bachelorette party maybe a month before I was at my sister's so she had my and I had her number. She had no idea that I was a heroin addict. She attributed my strange behavior to my abusive bf.

I called her from my sister's and told her I want to come to her wedding in Kamloops but I had no money. No problem she said, she offered right away to wire me the money. It is THIS that I feel so ashamed. Sigh, I just think it was a totally disgusting and sh*tty thing to do. I had no intention of going to her wedding even though I made like I was all amped for it. She sent me the money, as soon and as I knew the money was sent, I was off to get the "freezies" and never went back to my sister's. (And as I write this I just realized that today is this girl's birthday, May 25th. Ironic that I should be composing this on this particular date..Don't worry I already called her AND posted on her wall...that IS what real friends do is it not?)

My friend has forgiven me obviously, even after this incident she used to visit Vancouver once in a while and would come downtown to the red zone and look for me and take me for a meal, etc.. She rules, we still talk and actually I talk to all of my high school friends now. I don't talk to them all the time..but through various popular social networking sites, it is easy to reconnect.

I still have never been to a friend's wedding. 2 of my very closest friends got married while I was f*cked up. Since I have been clean 2 more friends have gotten married and I was invited to neither the ones during or the ones after. I can't be overly offended or upset about it and don't think I have sh*tty friends. It is lame to not share in a friend's milestones or to have them share in your's. (For example, when I had my son..I had no one there except for my son's father who kept bailing every 15 minutes to go do hoots of speed in his truck. I had to call him on his cell phone, tell him the baby had been born and to come back in.)

Regarding the weddings...I try to tell myself I don't care and think "oh well, what would I wear anyways.." - and that maybe I wouldn't have gone if even invited, which may be true, who knows, but I still feel the NOT being invited. I feel it. Fo' sho'.